MODERN INVENTION

Seated between a Japanese and German businessmen, ERAP listens to the two. The German, talking in his native language, had on a headgear. The Japanese asked the German "Kore wa des ka?...what is that?"

GERMAN: "Hiel...dezz iz nothing. It iz zee latest technology ien Germany... the headsvone! I am talking to mine headquarters inzee Berlin."

The Japanese, not to be outdone, also started talking in his native language. The German asked him, "Vhat is dhat?"

JAPANESE: "Ano ne..kore wa is latest Japanes technology in Japan! Have mic implant in tongue... and speaker in ear. I speak to office in Tokyo...neh."

ERAP, irked by the two other nationalities started to do a slow and looong FART. "....TRRRRRRR, TRRRR..PURURUUUUUUUT!" The two businessmen closing their noses say...."&^^%$#@! WHAT'S THAT SOUND???"

ERAP says proudly, "Ah that, that's nothing. I WAS ONLY SENDING A FAX!"

THE FIRST BABY

One particular day many years ago, Erap's
wife was having labor pains.
Erap panicked so he called their doctor.
Erap: Hello, doc. My wife is in labor!
Doc: Is she in a lot of pain?
Erap: Yes, doc!
Doc: Is this the first baby?
Erap: No, doc. This is Erap!

QUIZ SHOW

The emcee Alex Tebak, the contestant "Erap"

Emcee: Question number 1 "Ano ang bird ng Pilipinas ?

Erap: Clue please !!!

Emcee: nag uumpisa sa letter "M"

Erap: Madali yan, ...."Manok"

Emcee: Hindi..... Maliit lang at kulay brown.....

Erap: "hindi mo agad sinabi eh, di "pritong manok"...

Emcee: ngyek !!!...

ANOTHER EXAMPLE

Teacher: (talking to ERAP) Can you give me an example of a beast of burden?

ERAP: Carabao, ma'am!

Teacher: Very good, ERAP. Can you give another example?

ERAP: How about another Carabao?

TESTING

As Erap's Driver test drive it.

Driver to Erap: Sir, pweding pakitingin kung umiilaw yung parking light
(as driver switches on the parking light)

Erap: OK, its ON! Gumagana.

Driver: Sir, yung headlights, umiilaw ba? (as driver switches on the headlights)

Erap: OK rin, its ON! Gumagana.

Driver: Sir yung signal light pakitingin? (as driver switches on the signal light)

Erap: Gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw.......

SIMILARITY

What's the difference between Erap and Magic?

Magic is an illusion, Erap is real.

What's the similarities?

The audience think they're both entertaining.

THE POPE AND ERAP

During his visit to the Vatican, Erap met with the Pope.
Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days.
Finally, a weary Erap emerged to face the waiting news media.

The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success.
He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then
Erap declared he was going home to the Philippines to be with his
family.

A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked
tired, and discouraged, and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his
meeting with the President was a failure.

Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, Erap just
announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of
the items discussed."

Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."

HOSTILE

Sa New York, ini-interview ng isang reporter si Erap.

"Mr. President, what do you think is the secret of happy marriage?" tanong ng reporter.

"Well, for me?" paumpisang Ingles ni Erap, "Everything I demand for sex, my wife supplies?"

Na-turn off ang reporter, "Uhm! Isn't that hostile?" (pronounced as hastayl)

"Horse-style, dog-style, any style is okay for me," sagot ni Erap na may ngiti pa sa labi.

SEX IN THE MOVIES

Reporter: "Mr. President, what can you say about sex in the movies?"

"I am definitely against it." Erap said, the reported was impressed, so Erap continued,  "ang daming motel, bakit pa sila nagsi-sex sa sinehan. Hindi dapat yan."

FIRST LOVE

Ininterbyu si Erap tungkol sa kanyang lovelife:

Reporter: First love?
Erap: Never dies, syempre.
Reporter: About your first crush?
Erap: Ahh? awa ng Diyos, sa dami ng flight ko ngayon, wala naman.

THE ORDER

Erap went to a Japanese restaurant for the first time and was confused what to order.

Erap (Thinking) : "Sashimi, Tereyaki... "

Finally decided, erap said "Bigyan mo ako nung TA-KEHO-ME, waiter."

Waiter : Sir "Take Home" po ang basa diyan.

USE in a  Sentence

Erap was asked by a gradeschooler to test his english ability.
Kids : Use Deduct, Defense, Detail & Defeat in a sentence.
Erap: (after 15 minutes of silence) DEDUCT jumped over DEFENSE, DEFEAT first, then DETAIL!!

Transalation 

Erap while translating a speech.
 "We must strive" Kailangan nating magsikap.
 "We must help others" Kailangan nating magtulungan.
 "In union there is strength" SA SIBUYAS ME TIGAS !!!

MUDAFUCKA

While in New York city, a Erap bumped a man.
Man : Hey, watch where you're goin' you "MUDAFUCKA".
Erap : Eh ta-tanga tanga ka pala, "MADAFA KA RIN SANA"!!

SICK 

While in the Malacanang clinic.
Erap : It's been a month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.
Doc : Did you follow my instructions?
Erap : Yes Doc, sabi sa bote ng drug "KEEP TIGHTLY CLOSED"!!

CREMATION 

While in a friend's wake.
Erap : Tayo na Jinggoy, mauna na tayo.
Jinggoy : Dad, maaga pa naman, kararating lang natin.
Erap : Hindi mo ba nabasa yung sign "REMAINS WILL BE CREMATED"!!

PENSHOPPE 

While in a store to buy a pen.
Erap : Miss mey ballpen ba kayo dito? Clerk : Wala ho kaming ballpen.
Erap (MAD) : Bakit ang ipinangalan n'yo sa store nyo "PENSHOPPE"?

HEADLINE

At last, Erap has come to his senses! What a powerhouse Advisory body!

NEWS: PRESIDENT ESTRADA APPOINTS ROCO, DE VILLA and SANTIAGO AS CHIEF ADVISERS. The President Elect, Mr. Joseph Estrada, has confirmed the appointment of ROCO, DE VILLA and SANTIAGO. The President - elect immediately designated the three(3) to the most sensitive positions as advisers.Inside sources disclosed that the President - elect held a close door meeting prior to announcement of their appointments. Let us all be glad that these three (3) will help run the government. Mabuhay sa kanilang tatlo:

 MR. BEMBOL ROCO,
 MR. NESTOR DE VILLA
 MR. RANDY SANTIAGO.

 THINK POSITIVE

Reporter : Mr. President, why did you beat up the man yesterday in the health center?
Erap : Kita na niyang ninenerbyos ako sa result ng AIDS test ko,tapos sabi pa niya "THINK POSITIVE!"

ITLOG 

Reporter : Mr. President, bakit po paika-ika kayong maglakad?
Erap : I have high cholesterol level. Sabi ng doktor ko, IWASAN KO DAW YUNG ITLOG!

Y2K Conversion 

Reporter : How's your Y2K conversion going on?
Erap : It'scrazy, I can't imagine I'm going to work from MONDAK to FRIDAK and spend SATURDAK & SUNDAK with the kids. Why do they have to convert Y toK anyway?